This year was supposed to be the best of Jackson Hastings' life after becoming a father in April when his daughter Scottie was born.
But just three months later his mum passed away, and ever since he has been going through varying emotions as he navigates the world without his mother.
Ahead of his move back to the UK after signing with St Helens, he is determined to honour his mum throughout the rest of his rugby league career.
"She was only alive for three months of Scottie's life but it breaks your heart how much she loved her," Hastings said.
"My whole footy journey is obviously about honouring my mum now but so is the rest of my life, just making sure her legacy lives on.
"It's hard to put into words. I think until you go through it you don't really know how to deal with it, no one's got the right answers.
"Controlling my anger is the one thing that I need to sort of work on because it's no one else's fault and I just want to be the best role model I can for other people going through a similar situation."
In 2019 while playing for the Salford Red Devils, Hastings was crowned Super League Man of Steel. He returned to the NRL in 2022 after a two-year stint with Wigan.
Hastings reflected on how his mum was his biggest supporter and the gratitude he has for the milestones that he did get to share with her that his younger sisters won't get.
"I just go through different waves of emotion, the one emotion that I'm struggling with is probably anger," he said.
"There's a lot of stuff that I'm angry about with it [my mum's death] and how it all took place and things like that, that I don't want to get into.
"I cherish the moments that we did get to have with her and how much she not only loved me but the whole family, and then my baby was everything to her."
The last memory Hastings has of his mum, is one that while being sad, also motivates him for the future.
Around four days before her death he FaceTimed her and recalled how he thought "that's not my mum" as she was always fit, healthy, happy and that time she looked like a "shell of herself".
"It's sad because the last memory I have of her is that, which breaks your heart." Hastings said. "But it also fuels me to become better.
"I wouldn't have asked for anyone else to be my mum so if my kids look at me in the same vein as I looked at my mum then I know she'll be looking down on me proud."
